For Example

It’s not a game

I guess it’s true what they say: you really never appreciate what you have until its gone. So let’s take that a step further: you never completely realize what was the most important aspect of your life until you find yourself crying on your bathroom floor at 1:30 in the morning.

That being said, I lost my grandmother this summer.

To a lot of people, their grandparents are just old people who give them money. But I can assure you, my grandmother was more than that. She was everything. This woman was 100% the strongest person I have ever met. She was constantly there for me in EVERYTHING. God, she was at my preschool graduation. Who the hell goes to a preschool graduation? I recently went to Europe for the first time. And the only thing I’ve been thinking about since my return is how much I want to tell my grandma about it. I want to show her pictures. I want to tell her all about it. But I can’t. So. I cry. A lot. It’s rather pathetic.

But through all of this shit I’ve learned a lot about people. Their major concern is control. I sat amongst my grieving family members, reminiscing about gram. However one thing constantly resonated through our conversations: the “if/then” topic. Like if her doctor wasn’t such a blatant asshole maybe then she’d still be with us.

But what hit me the most about this not that we need to control, but that we can’t deal with what happened.

I mean, I’m not going to sound high and mighty saying that I have found a way to circumvent the entire grieving process. But at least crying on a tile floor doesn’t leave my mind feeling like I’m personally responsible for my grandmother’s death.

But in my family, neither crying nor scene replay would be a response that my grandma would have approved of. She’d tell us to get off of our asses and stop missing her.

But I can’t.

End: 4:08 am.

So yea its 4:02 in the morning. I have a giant anatomy test in 7 hours. Naturally, I’m not studying. So here is a rant. Yes, this is partially fueled by avoidance, mountain dew, and good music. Freaking college. Here we go.

Who on earth are we to categorize anything? What makes humans so much more inept to set the rules? And who are we to go along with everything?

I mean sure, Isaac Newton had a good idea. But why can’t I call what he says is “gravity” something else, like “pudding”? Why can’t a “chair” be a “paper clip”? And who the hell put the definition to the word “happiness”?

• Why does there have to be specific guidelines for what happiness is? Can’t it be up to interpretation?
• And why do people always ask if you’re happy? Their definition could be completely different from yours. For all they know, they could be asking you if you’re please with the amount of manslaughter in the world because YOU could find manslaughter to be happiness!!!

So why the hell am I supposed to know what happiness is? Its such a vague concept that no one can come up with a singular universal definition of it. Have I had pleasurable moments in my past? Yes. Does that mean I was happy? I don’t freaking know.

And I still don’t know if I’ve ever been truly, 100%, euphorically happy… in my sense of the word, at least.

Catch 22

So yesterday I was at lunch with the roommate and she said something that kind of threw my mind into a complete whirlwind. We were sitting by the windows of the student union. She looks out and stares for a few minutes, then turns to me and says:

“I just thought of something weird. Do you realize that each person we see walking by has a perfect man or woman for them somewhere?”

My response didn’t convey my actual thoughts. I responded with a nonchalant “wow, you’re right”. But my mind was racing. I couldn’t tell you exactly how the though process went, but here’s a vague outline:

“holy crap. she’s right”

“do you think they realize that?”

“where’s my perfect match?”

“when will this all happen?”

“why the heck am I waiting?”

“has my past been in vain?”

I don’t know when it happened but I settled on a conclusion: If I believe that I’ll find my perfect match by letting fate handle it, I might miss out on a lot of good opportunities. Yet at the same time, if I take every opportunity I get in the romantic area I’ll just get so sick of ending up with the wrong guys.

Like I am right now.

To Be Honest…

I like tumblr… because it helps me practice my typing.

The Day Has Come

You may be thinking, “Oh, here comes another post from this girl.. She must be in the comfort of her own home on her computer.” Well you’d be thinking incorrectly. No no, good sirs and madams, I am writing this post from the new found, yet still not broken in, comfort of my dormitory residence.

So I’m all moved in. Everything is unpacked, pictures are up, bedding is proper, etc, etc, etc. So… what now?

I’m not quite sure what to do now. As I sit, sipping my iced coffee, admiring the handiwork and creativity I put into the decoration of this room, I realize that this is it. I am at college. I am going to have to study my arse off. This blows.

So regardless of well organized desk drawers, the color coordinated closet line up, and the $500 dollars all the decor cost, I still have to understand that I can’t just spend my free time watching The Office.

Shit.

What is wrong?

Relationships - they’re pretty darn tricky. Agree? Yea, you do.

NOW. I can’t support my argument based on first hand experience. I’ve been in three relationships - Relationship 1 - the guy was a bit too posessive… ended swiftly. Relationship 2 - four days long. see above. Relationship 3 - Lasted for three years, nothing to complain about, ended mutually. So clearly, I’ve never really had a bad relationship. And therefore I cannot offer advice on a primary account. But I can share my opinions based on the observations of friends. Let me begin by saying this:

• MEN AND WOMEN ARE EQUAL.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Ohhh she’s some feminist who is going to give us crap about how men think they’re superior”. Well, you’re half right. Lets start from the Feminist viewpoint.

Feminisim

Okay. So. Women don’t want their men to be controlling. They want to be independent. They cringe at jokes such as, “A man is driving and he hits a woman - whose fault is it? - The mans fault - He shouldn’t have been driving in the kitchen!” (personally I laughed my ass off). But either way, women hate being oppressed. They regret the stigma of housewife.

So, in a relationship, many women look for the stupid guys. They look for the ones who will tend to their every whim. They look for the guys who will be their puppies, absent mindedly following them around, never getting the balls to break it off. In the words of my close friend, “No no no, this is YOUR relationship. Take charge. Be a woman”. Classy, no?

Male-ism

Alright. Men have this predetermined notion that they are the rulers. They’re masculine. They make the money. They protect the feeble women. They support everyone and everything. They are the dominating figures. They make the jokes like the one above. Great.

So, in a relationship, many times men can be controlling. They may think they’re smarter than their partner, they may think that they work harder than their partner, they may even patronize their partner.

What I need you to know.

Both -isms are complete and total bullshit. A relationship is not about one person succumbing to another, and its not about one person dominating another. Its about equality. Both partners, man and women (or whatever), should have a say in everything. If a woman wants to work, let her! If the man wants to stay home, let him! I just feel appalled when I hear my girl friends talk about how they need to control their man, and I feel appalled when I hear my guy friends talk about how they treat women like objects.

Can’t we as women see how we’re being hypocrites? We ask men to respect us, value us, treat us like princesses. When at the same time, we disrespect men, we don’t value them as people - just as titles, and we treat them like crap.

Can’t men, however, see that they need to support their women in all of her decisions? They need to know that women can stay home and be moms, they can go out and be career women, and they can defy the sexist jokes.

Equality may be the most valuable asset to any lasting relationship.

Crazy Old Maurice

I love getting compliments. Don’t you? I’m sure you do. They’re empowering. They feed our esteem. But I think I’ve become desensitized to this one: “You’re so funny!”. Yea great. I can crack a joke. So what. My wit outweighs my I.Q. No big deal.

So today, I was told this same compliment. And I realize that it gets kind of old to hear that. I used to pride myself in being able to come up with a joke or pun that slides perfectly into the conversation. Well. Now I hate it. Because I realized that the only reason I make puns and exercise my wit is because I cover up everything.

I guess I always feel like I need to compensate for something. I’m not skinny, which really isn’t that big a deal. I’m not brilliant, which again isn’t that big a deal. But the superficial preteen in me shouts, “What the hell are you thinking?! People are going to judge you! Make them laugh, dumbass!” And I listen.

Its a shame, isn’t it?